I have often wondered about what kind of a person i really am beneath all the fake smiles and stupid expressions i sometimes have to give... I realized there s nothing as difficult in the world as figuring out yourself.
I am someone who wants a lot of freedom.. complete undisputed freedom about everything. I want to live the way i want without anyone questioning. I want to life my life , every moment to the fullest. I hate it when i have to give explanations, though i realize that we need to be in the good books of others at least to some extent in order to survive.
Of course that doesnt mean i hate people, or i am an introvert or something. I love quite a many people. I like people who are capable, mature and sensible. The more emotional the person is the more he/she appeals to me. I have never really bothered to find out what others feel about me. I have never felt the need for it. There are some people who have accepted me( or maybe are tolerating me) as i am and i will not ask for more.
But yes, there was a time when i was slightly younger when i felt a desperate need for friends and friendship. That was the time when i was not very successful, (not tht i am now :P) , not very out-going or good looking or any of such things. But i never got anyone at that time, I dont feel the need for them now. Maybe i have just outgrown them. I sometimes wonder if such people really do get any friends at all?? Maybe somethings are better left unanswered.
But i have 2 to 3 friends whom i respect and love, who have stood by me like a rock and i can do anything for them I want people to appreciate me for wht i am and wht i do, not because i look the way i do or some such crap. Of course the circle would be much smaller but does tht matter? as long as they are true?